Truth or Dare with the Cullens
by AvrilSays
Summary: Truth or Dare with the Cullens. My very first humor fic...in which Alice's clothes get ripped up, Rosalie's car is painted hot pink with neon green stripes, and Bella is the evil genius. Extremely OOC. R&R please. HIATUS.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hey, my lovely readers! This is the very first chapter of my very first humour fic. And a shoutout to the amazing Sara (TheMaddHat), who beta'd it. And of course, the legendary Stephenie Meyer for writing this.

**Disclaimer**: I, AJ Tarver, writer of this fanfic, swear that I was not in the slightest bit involved the the original production or creation of the Twilight series. I disclaim all the rest of the chapters with this disclaimer as well.

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**CHAPTER 1**

[Bella's POV]

"Hey Bella! Bell-uh! BELLA GET UP RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF AN ALICE-STYLE MAKEOVER!" Alice yelled.

My eyes widened in horror and I sat up tiredly. "What Alice? I'm tired," I yawned and rolled over. Alice pulled me to my feet.

"We're going to play Truth or Dare! C'mon, get up and get dressed in these clothes before I make you dress in lingerie," Alice threatened. I leapt up off the bed and grabbed my blue tank top and Bermudas. I quickly brushed my teeth, showered and put on my clothes. I went downstairs where Alice pulled me towards the kitchen. She tossed me two granola bars and an apple. I quickly grabbed them and tore open the wrapper of a granola bar, munching happily. Alice dragged me out of the house and into the Porsche, ignoring my protests. She drove to her house at 120 miles an hour, barely noticing when I complained, but slowed down when I pointed out that the wind would mess up my hair. I love getting my own way. Sigh.

When we arrived at the Cullen's house, Emmett welcomed me with a hug that almost broke my bones. "BELLA! You agreed to come? I can't believe it! We're so totally going to have a blast!" He dragged me inside. I quickly ran over to Edward.

"You agreed?" he asked, disbelieving.

"She kidnapped me and threatened me with a makeover and lingerie," I explained. He laughed quietly.

"Real supportive Edward. I'm going to threaten you as well, if you don't stop laughing." Edward looked at me challengingly.

"With what?" he asked. I smiled sweetly.

"Can I borrow your cell phone?" I asked. Edward handed me his cell phone cautiously.

"Why?" he asked.

"I'm going to ask Jake if I can go over to his house," I said. Edward immediately snatched the cell phone back.

"Okay, fine, sorry, but you will NOT go over to that..." I cut him off. "Don't say, 'dog' or ELSE," I warned. He scowled but shut up. Damn the overprotective nature of my dear boyfriend.

"Okay, I'll start!" Alice said, bouncing up and down. "Bella, Truth or Dare?" she smirked at me.

"Uhh...dare?" I said uncertainly. She smirked. Oh damn.

"Bella, I dare you to call Mike." I sighed in relief. "And tell him you've broken up with Edward...and that you want to start a new relationship with him. And no Edward, you are not allowed to kill Mike," she added.

"Alice, you are so CRUEL. If I die I before this game ends, I'll come back and haunt you. And Edward, tell Charlie I'm sorry. And tell Renee..." Edward cut me off.

"I can assure you Bella, you won't die. But I don't have any objections to you haunting Alice..." I glared at her. I took out my cell phone and dialled Mike's number.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Bella?" Mike asked.

"Umm...yeah. Mike, I just wanted to tell you that...uh...I've broken up with Edward...And...Um...I was wondering if you wanted to...Uh...Start a new relationship with m-me," I stuttered.

"Of course, Sure! Want to go out with me on Saturday night?" he said excitedly. That was it. Edward totally lost it, grabbing the phone from my hand.

"Sorry, Mike, Bella will NOT be starting whatever relationship with YOU. She is MINE. Goodbye." He snapped the phone shut and crushed it into his hand. "EDWARD! That was MY phone!" I yelled at him. "Uhh...Sorry Bella...I'll buy you a new one..." he apologized."Okay anyway...Jasper, Truth or Dare?"

Jasper glared at me. "Dare, I'm not a coward," he said confidently.

"JASPER! YOU WILL REGRET THIS! SO WILL YOU BELLA!" Alice shrieked as she stomped outside. I smiled evilly.

"Well Jasper, your dare is to rip up all of Alice's clothes." A loud crash came from outside.

"What?" Jasper gasped. I smirked. Emmett was laughing. "A dare is a dare, Jazzy-boy," I said. Jasper stomped upstairs and started ripping Alice's expensive Gucci, Prada, Abercrombie, Hollister, Ralph Lauren, Louis Vuitton and god knows what other clothes. Alice was dry sobbing and screaming every time there was a ripping sound. Finally, he came down. Edward went up and checked. He came down, grinning.

"All shredded completely," he assured. Jasper glared at me, rushing to comfort Alice.

"Don't worry, this way you'll be able to go on a massive year-long shopping spree!" he was saying, while Alice was mumbling something about her 'precious...limited edition...the last one in the world...dress...' Finally, when Alice got over her hysterics, we returned to the game

"Rosalie, truth or dare?" she asked.

Rose looked up from her nails. "Dare," she said.

"Well, Rose, I dare you to fix Edward's Volvo till it can't go over seventy miles an hour." Rose looked ecstatic. Edward had his face in his hands and was mumbling something about, 'My beautiful car...seventy miles...' and started dry sobbing. Rosalie eventually recovered and Edward ran out of the house at vampire speed. I sighed and ran after him. Outside, Edward was crying over his Volvo, stroking it.

"Edward, aren't you overreacting a little?" I asked sceptically. Edward glared at me and continued sobbing over his precious Volvo. Eventually, I was watching an amusing scene of Edward snarling whenever Rosalie tried to touch the car. Finally, I got impatient. "Edward, if you don't let Rose fix your car, I'll lock all the windows in my house for a month," I snapped. That got him to stop crying and gave me time to drag him away from the car. Outside, Rosalie was happily tinkering away at Edward's Volvo. Five minutes later, Rose skipped inside.

"All done!" she announced proudly. "It won't go a single mile faster than seventy!" Edward started dry sobbing again. "Well Bella, Truth or Dare?" I chickened out this time.

"Truth."

"Have you ever kissed anyone other than Edward?" Rose asked. I went bright red.

"Well...I kissed John Michaels from high school on a dare...and Evan Dawes in a game of Spin the bottle in Arizona...and Jacob Black," I said. Edward started banging his head against the wall.

"Emmett, Truth or Dare?" I asked.

Emmett grinned. "Hell yes, dare of course!" I smiled.

"Emmett, I dare you to paint Rosalie's car hot pink with neon green stripes. And you no-one is to wash the paint off for a week," I said. Emmett turned to a furious Rose and pleaded, "Rosalie dear, forgive me!" and went off to find some paint. 10 minutes later, Emmett bounded in.

"All done!" He said. Rosalie shot outside. I heard screaming and sobbing outside.

"My car! My beautiful car!" she wailed. I sighed.

"What is it with you people and your cars?" I asked. Just then, Carlisle and Esme came in.

"We just happened to see Rosalie sobbing over her hot pink and neon green car. Do we get an explanation?" Esme asked, raising an eyebrow. Everyone pointed at me.

"Traitors," I muttered. "We were playing Truth or Dare," I explained. Carlisle grinned.

"Cool, can we join in?" We all nodded as Rosalie stormed in with Emmett at her side. I winced.

"Okay Edward, Truth or Dare?" Emmett asked.

"Dare," Edward said, not very confidently.

"Edward, your dare is to..." Emmett thought for a while. Then suddenly a huge grin broke out on his face. Edward turned even paler than usual. "Your dare is to..."


	2. Chapter 2

"OHMYGOD I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU EMMETT CULLEN!! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!!!" Edward yelled, storming upstairs to his room. Bella sighed, and went after him. What did you dare him?" Jasper asked. "I dared him to stage a breakup fight with Bella in front of the whole school and agree to the first date he gets invited to." Emmett announced, grinning. Rosalie smirked and Jasper and Alice burst out laughing. "ARGHH!!!" Edward's scream came from upstairs. "TRAITOR!!!" And he stomped down. Bella's uncontrollable laughs came from upstairs. "Well, that went well," Jasper's remark broke the silence.

THENEXTDAY...

ALICE POV

"Okay. Here's the plan. Bella and Edward stage a fighting match in the cafeteria. Bella breaks up with Edward and Edward agrees to the first date he gets. Edward must treat the lucky girl like he treats Bella. Edward cannot say it was a dare. Then we resume our game of Truth or Dare." I said. "Ten on Mallory," Jasper said. "You're on," Emmett grinned, giving him a high five. Edward groaned and Bella pecked him on the cheek. Here goes.

INTHECAFETERIA...

"Good luck," Bella whispered. He took a deep breath and yelled, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WENT OUT WITH JACOB BLACK??!!" Bella suppressed a grin and yelled back, "IT WAS JUST AS FRIENDS!!"

"WAS NOT!! I KNEW YOU LIKED HIM!!!" he shouted, his acting job not as perfect as it should be. He hated to yell at Bella.

"I DO NOT!!" she screamed.

"YES YOU DO!!! I HATE YOU!!" he yelled back, his voice breaking on the word 'hate'.

"DAMN YOU EDWARD CULLEN!! I AM SICK OF YOU AND I AM SO BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!! IT'S OVER, SO GET USED TO IT!!" she screamed, and stomped off. Wow she was a better actress than I had given credit for. He shot me a glare, but looked extremely upset. Oopsie.

EDWARD POV

"YES YOU DO!!! I HATE YOU!!" I yelled back, my voice breaking a little on the word 'hate'. I so hated to yell at Bella, let alone say that I hated her.

"DAMN YOU EDWARD CULLEN!! I AM SICK OF YOU AND I AM SO BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!! IT'S OVER, SO GET USED TO IT!!" she screamed, stomping off. My heart practically shattered. Stupid Emmett. Even though this was a dare, she sounded like she completely meant it. That really hurt.

Now, all I had to do was to endure a date with someone who was not Bella....

Not Lauren, not Lauren...

Angela Weber came over and asked, "Want to go out?" she smiled at me in a way that wasn't flirtatious, more friendly and a little pityingly. "Bella took pity on you and told me, and I decided to save you from a date with Lauren Mallory or Jessica Stanley," she told me in a low voice. "Thanks Ang, you're a lifesaver," I said, relieved. Bella looked over at us and winked at me. Oh, how I loved my Bella. Emmett and Jasper were frowning. Ha, serves them right.

THECULLENSHOUSE...

EDWARD POV

I smirked around my family. "Carlisle, Truth or Dare?" I asked. He gulped. "Dare," "Bad choice Carly," Alice winked at him. Carlisle looked so nervous that he didn't even mind the name-calling. "Carlisle, your dare is to ...."


	3. Chapter 3

CARLISLE POV

"WHAT???!!!" I yelled. She smirked. "I CAN'T DO THAT!! I'LL RUIN MY REPUTATION!!" She just shot me an innocent smile. Yeah, daring me to flirt with a GUY at a gay bar AND use the BEST pick-up lines I knew AND letting Alice dress me was innocent. The most innocent thing ever. Note heavy sarcasm.

"I told you so!" Alice yelled, dancing around. "Carly, I have the perfect outfit for you!" And she dragged me upstairs and rummaged in her unbelievably huge closet for a while, then took out an outfit. "Taa-DAA!!" she announced, and handed me a piece of cloth. I stared at it for a long time.

"Alice..." I began.

"Don't even think about it, Carly,"

"Damn."

*************************************

I stared sullenly at the entrance of the best gay bar in Forks, and pulled at my leather clothes. Ugh. Edward and Emmett shoved me in and I glared at them. I heard tons of gasps when we entered the bar. Emmett, being Emmett, started flirting with the nearest guy. Edward, who was probably the best-looking among us, tried to avoid those dazzled gay guys.

Unwillingly, I mustered up a smile and walked up to a guy who didn't seem as gay as the rest of them. I flashed him a flirtatious smile, which felt more like a grimace. "Hey," I said, trying not to sound like I was about to gag, and said, "So, do you wanna come over to my place later? We can have some real fun, you know." I winked at him. He didn't reply or look up.

"Uh, hi? What's your name anyway? I'm Carlisle," I said. Then his head shot up. "Dr Cullen?" he asked disbelievingly. "Jordan Mackney?" I asked, stunned and humiliated beyond belief.

Dr Mackney was one of the better doctors at the hospital. "What are you doing here?" I blurted out. "Bachelor party, my brothers thought it would be more interesting if I went to a gay bar instead of a strip club," he sighed, and then his eyes narrowed. "What are YOU doing here? Aren't you married?" he demanded.

"Long story, Jordan. Starting with my impossible kids, and resulting in a game of Truth or Dare," he said. Jordan looked suspicious, but hid his expression and smiled. "See you tomorrow morning, Dr Cullen." And he left. I groaned and glared daggers at my children. Teenagers and their games. Why, oh why, did I ever agree to play this game?

After a few more attempts at flirting and two more extremely humiliating....incidents...Emmett let me leave. Edward looked absolutely enraged and was ranting all the way back.

Alice was leaning on a pillar, wearing a smug smile. Bella was bouncing around, looking super amused and happy.

Obviously, all Edward's frustration melted as soon as Bella ran up to him, hugged him and kissed him sweetly. _Whipped, _I thought. He didn't even respond; he was too busy staring, entranced, at Bella who was laughing at me. Loser loverboy. "Carlisle, Emmett's rubbing off on you," Edward grinned, not taking his eyes off Bella. "Stupid mind-reading vampire," I muttered, and went in.

I settled down, and shot Alice my patented, "Watch out," smile, and smirked. "Alice, Truth or Dare?"


	4. Chapter 4

CARLISLE POV

"I dare you to go to the mall!" I announced proudly. Alice grinned. "Sure!" she agreed. "And dress up with Bella's clothes...and let her do your makeup and hair...AND go to Wal-Mart and let her buy a month's supply of clothes to wear! Oh yeah, and did I mention you have to model the clothes you buy?" I smirked. Alice's smile dropped. "ARE YOU SERIOUS??!!!" she shrieked. "Dead serious, Alice. Good luck in Wonderland!!" I laughed. Bella grinned evilly. "Payback time, Alice," she said, smirking.

I am a GENIOUS.

BELLA POV

I took out a deep red corset and a black long-sleeved V-neck T-shirt. I also chose a blood-red miniskirt with black lace and frills and a pair of red and black 4-inch stilettos that Alice had obviously bought for me on one of her shopping trips. I slashed the sleeves of the shirt, took out a black vinyl jacket outlined in red and I was done. I shoved the clothes to a horrified Alice. When she came out, she looked like a depressed gothic girl. But I wasn't done yet.

I dragged her into the bathroom, armed with several torturing tools. I smirked evilly and started to apply her makeup.

I took a step back and admired my handiwork. Her lips were a scarlet, her hair was glossy and in an emo-girl style, her eyelashes were long and had jewels stuck in them-courtesy of the eyelash extensions Rose lent me, and her eyes were outlined in black eyeliner and mascara. Her pale face only added to the gothic look.

The corset was a contrast against the T-shirt, and the jacket was loose, emphasizing the red corset against the shirt. The sleeves of the shirt were slashed, and showed the deep red of her underclothes. The stilettos increased her height and emphasized the emo style.

Oh yeah, I ROCK. Bubbly and cheerful Alice is an EMO. Now, to the mall!!

ALICE POV

I hate Bella. I will get my revenge somehow.

Bella shoved me a dress with a 'Gorgeous black rara tutu mini-length skirt is teamed with red Sam boned corset for a low-cut, sexyvamp look. Layers and layers of froth. Just made for swinging your pants. Top of the skirt is made from cotton and is elasticated.' I quote bella.

Ugh. I went to change into it, came out and turned spun around in a model like way. She nodded, satisfied, and put it into the growing pile of emo clothes.

Then she handed me a 'gorgeous, black and strong cotton lace-up corset bustier, with boned panels and lace up at the back showing flesh glimpses. Criss-cross red ribbons at the front, criss-cross red lace-up at the back. Undo or loosen laces at the back, then lace up for a totally hourglass effect!' I quote the shopkeeper girl, and some black drainpipes. I sighed and put it on, modelled and bought it. Then we were off to the next shop.

I hate Bella and Emos.

When we got home, Bella had made me wear the worst of the lot-a 'Gorgeous black rara tutu just-above-knee-length skirt is teamed with pink satin boned Rose & Thorn embossed corset (see tops). Beautiful finish on the corset, which is trimmed at the back with wide pink satin bow and pink satin lace-up criss-cross. Front steel eyelets, pink satin frill trim to top and bottom of corset. Layers and layers of froth in skirt. Top of the skirt is made from cotton and is elasticated.'

So the label said. To me, it's just a lousy black dress with a frilly pink-and-black tutu. All the Cullens were laughing hysterically at me.

Again, I hate Bell, Carlisle and Emos.

Finally, we got back to the game, me wearing a much more comfortable white Abercrombie top and black Capri's. I turned to Esme and grinned evilly.

"Esme, Truth or dare?"


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT. No Duh.**

BELLA POV

"Uh... Truth." Esme said uncertainly. Alice grinned insanely and started cackling like mad. "Esme..." Alice leaned over and whispered something intelligible to her. All the vampires started laughing like crazy. Especially Emmett. Even Edward.

"Esme-seriously-answer-the-damn-question!" Jasper screamed in between laughs. I glared at Edward and demanded, "What the hell happened?" Edward just laughed.

I put my AMAZING GLARING TALENT to use then. My ex-best friend, Sherlyne, was a glaring genius, and she taught me the awesome skill. I rarely used it, but when I had to, I did-and I was a PRO at it.

Edward stopped laughing actually started to back away then. I stopped glaring then and smiled sweetly. "So?" I asked innocently. He stammered, "Uhh-uh-Alice asked Esme what was her FAVORITE night with Carlisle."

I turned to Esme and she was actually flushing a little. But Alice was staring at me in amazement. "Wow, Bella, where did you learn to glare like that?" she asked.

I smiled. "My friend Sherlyne was a glaring genius. Actually, she was extremely intense in smiling, looking sad, and basically acting, but her glares were especially good. She taught me some of her amazing skill. I'm still not as good as her, though." I explained.

Then I turned to Esme. "So? What was your favourite night?" I asked innocently. Esme's mouth was clamped shut and Alice turned to me. "Do it." She said, grinning. I smiled and directed the full force of my pleading face onto poor Esme.

"Please, Esme? PLEASE? I'll be SO grateful." I pleaded, pouting a little. Esme gave in.

"Fine. My favourite was when I dressed up in a Catholic school uniform and Carlisle dressed up as a teacher..." she muttered, then hid her face in her hand.

Of course, the whole living room then broke out in hysterics. Esme glared at all of them, then smiled sweetly at my boyfriend. "Edward? Truth or Dare?"

EDWARD POV

I couldn't believe this.

My beloved mother was making my do this.

Bella, of course, started using her 'pleading' face at me again. Damn, that girl is evil.

"Dare." I muttered, glaring at Bella dearest. Esme smirked.

"Edward, I dare you to flirt with..." I held my breath.

Knowing Esme, she would have probably selected Lauren Mallory, Jessica, maybe even Mike Newton...

"Sam Uley."

**Short chappie, I know. Deal with it, people! I got an F9 in my history test! A FREAKING F9!!**


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: SM owns Twilight.

EDWARD POV

"MOOOMMMM!!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!" I screamed as Alice forced me into a little pink skirt.

"Oh, I do Edward. But I'm getting bored, and Edward and Sam sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G doesn't sound so bad now." She squealed. Esme was getting a little scary.

"Mummy, do you REALLY want this for ME?" I turned on my best 'eyes' and pout on her.

"YES EDDIE!" she squealed and hopped around giggling. My mother has gone officially insane.

"Carlisle, Mum is crazy." I said.

"Actually, Carlisle, I think she's just happy that her oldest child is finally getting a guy." Bella said, absolutely deadpan.

I groaned. Bella had an AWFUL sense of humor.

"Wait. Alice, there is NO WAY I'm wearing that." I said resolutely.

"But Edward, you'd look so cute!" she whined.

"Alice, I always look cute. But NOT with deep red lipstick that is 'guaranteed not to kiss off.'"

______________________________________________

In the end I had a white halter top, a pink microskirt and a LOT of shiny pink lip gloss.

I was going to kill Alice and Esme. I knocked on the door.

"CULLEN?!" he yelled. I batted my eyelashes and giggled flirtatiously. "Hey Sam."

He looked t me as if I'd just announced I was joining the "I LOVE WEREWOLVES" fan club. "Are you feeling alright, leech?" He asked.

"Oh, I'm just great Now that you're, like, here! Do you know that you, like, look amazing today?" I giggled.

"Bloodsucker, I demand that you tell me what's going on!" he yelled.

I smiled and leaned forward. "Ohh, Sammie, you're so cute! Wanna go out tonight?" He slammed the door in my face, muttering, "Insane bloodsucker...Bella must have finally got to him."

I immediately rushed up and washed the damn makeup away and put on a white shirt and khakis. "So, Carlisle, Truth Or Dare?"

Alice squealed, "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE A GENIOUS!!" And she started doing a happy dance.

Carlisle gulped. "Uhhh..."

**CLIFFHANGER! Give me ten reviews and a new chapter will appear!**


	7. AN

Dear Readers,

Okay, you've probably thought I've fallen off the face of the Earth or something. I'm so sorry, but this, unfortunately, is not an update. Please don't kill me!

I've been reading through my older fanfics and spotted HUNDREDS of mistakes. I really want to edit them, but I haven't got the time lately. So, if you're a beta for Twilight fanfiction, PLEASE drop me a PM. I would love it if you could help me beta my older chapters.

This is a mass message to all my Twilight fanfics, so if you're willing to help me beta, I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me which of my fanfics you're willing to help me beta for. 'Course, if you're okay with beta-ing ALL my Twilight fanfics, it would be awesome and a half. ;D

Love you all (yeah, even the critics and flamers),

AJ.


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